Only a couple more days before baby has a sex

My big ultrasound is coming up on Tuesday morning. Although I have suspected a boy all along, now that we are about to find out, I am suddenly unsure. No matter which way my brain goes, I am confused and excited. Knowing one way or another will change everything just a little bit.

The name talks will change and the shopping, of course. I am mostly nervous to know if we will be the parents of a son or the parents of a daughter. Families of boys are different from families of girls.

Three years form now, will my house be filled with with pink wands and glitter or cars and dinosaurs? Will I be worried about princess culture or weapon toys? Will I worry that my baby girl will be undermined in her studies or passed over in class as she enters womanhood? Will I worry about my son learning to respect everyone and act without aggression?

The sex talks, the respect talks, the self-esteem talks, the bully talks...all the big talks will be colored by the sex and the gender my child displays.

What if my child is gay? What if my child is republican? What if my child has a cleft lip? Down syndrome? A limp? A lisp? A learning disability? A savant-like gift? A promising talent that we will have to choose to foster to the fullest or choose to not and encourage a regular childhood? What is my child is obese and teased? What if my child is frail and sickly?

I play terrible games of this or that. Would I rather have a baby who is __ or __?

Feeling the clock tick toward more information, I know I would not choose. I don't want to design my child or know the future. If someone had told me last spring, "You will get pregnant soon but miscarry right away and it will be awful. Then just a couple weeks later one of your sister's twins will die and that will be ten times worse than the miscarriage," I would have spent the spring in the fetal position sobbing. Instead, I spent the summer sobbing but I lived through it and I got stronger. I grieved my baby and I grieved baby Enzo and I admired my sister's strength and grew stronger myself.

If someone had told me this fall, "As soon as you take that new job that pays less, you will get pregnant that same month and not be eligible for any maternity leave. Oh, and Billy's promotion will come through as an assistant manager, not a manager so you won't have as much money as you think," I would have stayed at the better paying job that made me miserable. I wouldn't be working close to home and having all this free time and feeling so much more balanced. I'd still be commuting an hour each way and getting home in the dark.

So the ultrasound will sharpen the focus on the future. The picture will still be fuzzy and the future will be hidden but knowing if it's a son or a daughter who rolls and bumps inside me will give me another hint of our life to come.

How far along are you? 19 weeks
How big is baby? a mango or papaya. I forgot.
Weight gain/loss? Not sure.
Stretch marks? I found some on the sides of my back. My waist is quickly disappearing.
Maternity clothes? Almost 100%
Best moment this week? Feeling this baby really move and swim around.
Gender? Only three more days until we know.
Movement? Every day now. Little bumps and flippy swirls that feel like gas only in the wrong spot or like water sloshing or like a muffled pop.
Belly button? same
Symptoms? burping, heartburn, moodiness, nipples are constantly hard and dark brown.
Cravings? Cold things - slushies and ice cream.
What do I miss? Looking one way or another. I am just about to cross the threshold into obviously pregnant territory but right now I just feel as if I look fat.
What I'm looking forward to this week? Babies big closeup on Tuesday.
Milestones? I learned that Taco Bell is a terrible idea, that water can bring on heartburn and that I need to sleep on my side now.

Eighteen Weeks

How far along are you? 18 weeks
How big is baby? a sweet potato
Weight gain/loss? All this time I was sure I was gaining weight. Belly is bigger, pants are tight. Well, I am still down six pounds from the beginning of the pregnancy. So, I've gained 1 pound in the past month. Not too bad.
Stretch marks? a few
Maternity clothes? Yes. No more regular pants unless I have them banded and unbuttoned. My waist is no more.
Best moment this week? My appointment yesterday was great. Heartbeat is at a perfect 154 and everything is measuring correctly.
Gender? We will get to find out in two weeks. EEEK
Movement? Tiny little burbles and bubbles that I think must be the baby.
Belly button? same
Symptoms? hip pain, heartburn, still very tired, moody.
Cravings? Not really. I'll dream of food but I'll eat everything.
What do I miss? an hourglass shape. I feel lumpy but not so lumpy that I am cutely pregnant.
What I'm looking forward to this week? The weekend is coming and it will be over 60 degrees
Milestones? I started prenatal yoga last night. I came home the good kind of sore and went straight to bed at 8:30.

Seventeen Weeks

How far along are you? 17 weeks
How big is baby? an onion. One book tells me the baby is about the size of my hand if it's spread open. That seems so big.
Weight gain/loss? Gaining.
Stretch marks? a few
Maternity clothes? about half the time. I have a belly band. I wore a stretchy dress today. No more regular pants for a while.
Best moment this week? Billy is on vacation and has kept the house nice and made dinner. He has also started talking names with me.
Gender? Today I would swear it's a boy.
Movement? Sometimes I think maybe. I bet it will happen soon.
Belly button? nothing different.
Symptoms? sore hips and difficulty sleeping on my side.
Cravings? No. I just get really hungry really quickly sometimes.
What do I miss? Champagne, sleeping comfortably.
What I'm looking forward to this week? Dressing up for the work gala on Saturday. Now I need to find a dress that says "cutely pregnant" not "just fat."
Milestones? My boss knows and I imagine my co-workers will figure it out soon. My belly has poofed out and is quite thick. I still have a line across my waist, so I look like I have a pooch and top gut instead of a smooth bump. I hate that.