Fairness

In the past few months, I have read lots of pregnancy blogs, infertility blogs and message boards. I read one message board pretty often but post very little. This message board is like the train wreck person I love to have on facebook. It draws me in out of horror.

Trying to Conceive boards tend to be very, very judgmental. I say this having read many of them. I have never found a TTC board, as they're called by those in the know, that didn't have it's policing regulars and scathing comments.

For the uninitiated, here's a handy dandy cheat sheet.

The following things are OK to say or discuss:

• Being sad, angry or jealous about the pregnancies of others.
• Expecting the world to pull you aside to announce pregnancies to spare your feelings.
• Expecting your pregnant friends to never gripe or complain out of respect for your infertility/non-pregnancy.
• Crying all the fucking time.
• Crying about baby showers, facebook feeds or holidays.
  
• Describing your mucus discharges at length.
• Saying that you will never, ever, ever complain when you get pregnant because you'll understand and appreciate the miracle of it all.
  
• Asking other people how they deal with the agony of not being pregnant.
  
• Creating a hierarchy of how sad anyone else is allowed to be. For example, women who already have a child should be grateful. Women who have has a miscarriage "at least" know they can get pregnant.
  

Then the following are not OK and will get the poster smacked down immediately:

• Calling anyone bitter - ever.
• Not taking your basal body temperature daily. That's a huge one. It's funny because my doctor tells me ovulation predictors (which is what I use. I don't feel like graphing, thanks) are more accurate.
  
• Not believing that TCOYF (Taking Charge of Your Fertility) is the Bible.
  
• Disagreeing with the leaders of the pack about anything.
  
• Fishing for others to guess that you might be pregnant. People do this one all the time and it is insane. "Oh, my boobs hurt so much and my sense of smell is so strong. I wonder if I'm getting sick? Oh, and my period is eight minutes late....ahem!"
• Wishing ill on all the pregnant friends you currently hate who aren't even allowed to talk to you lest they wake the beast within. It's a fine line with that one.
  
• Expressing any interest in a child of a particular sex or hoping for a baby born at a certain time. That will get you ten instant replies along the lines of, "Oh yeah, well all I want is a healthy baby whenever God/nature wills it!" Implication: I am a better person/parent than you.
• Being worried too soon. Too soon is defined as one month less than you've been trying. Every poster is a special snowflake who is allowed to spread her own doom and gloom. While every poster other than one's self is a worrywart.
  

It's really fucking old. All the new people lamenting one period. All the old people who just lie in wait to snap at new folks for not knowing the rules. The lifers, who are infertile, are revered as gods. That sets up some fucked up dynamics. Everyone wants to pose as if they have conception troubles. To appear cool or in the know? I can't figure it out.

Today might be the last straw. I read a post that linked to a woman's blog entry about the ways in which you're ALLOWED to tell other couples you're pregnant. If, God forbid, any of those other couples have fertility issues, you must tell them privately and practically apologize to them for your great joy. You must offer to never ever ever bitch and moan and be ready for them to not be happy for you. This blog post was longer and used more flowery language but that was the gist. In a situation where one couple is pregnant and another couple isn't, the pregnant couple must defer to the non-pregnant just in case it causes heartache or jealousy. Seriously, what the fuck?

These women work themselves into a fucking froth pretending to be infertile just to get a rise out of themselves. They feed each other's fears and horrors like kids at a slumber party until all reason is gone.

I wish they would quit counting everything and deciding what's fair and unfair. I wish they would quit weighing how sad someone else is allowed to be after how many months of trying versus their advanced age and factoring in their medical history.

I know my sister isn't going to be telling other mothers of twins that they aren't allowed to mention both kids. I know I am not going to forbid anyone else from having a baby in February. The world keeps moving whether or not we try and set rules about fairness.