Job Interview

So, I got a call about a job interview this morning. The pay is crap but the job sounds good. It's close to home. Hot dog, I'm gonna check it out.

Bill will have his big raise this winter. At that point I can do pretty much whatever as long as I bring in $20K or more to cover little extras. I am worried because I know this job pays $12 per hour. I am salaried now at 47K. That's a huge pay cut. Am I an idiot to consider it? Maybe. but I am still going to the interview.

I made a decision to live for me, for my life and for the reality that is right now. A new job would be great for me. I am so tired of my grind right now. I want out of the weird unhealthy tensions that exist at my workplace. The big boss has decided to have an affair out in the open. It's quote uncomfortable to work with his wife now. I am just sick of the drive and the hours. I need out.

I am going to apply to lots of other jobs this weekend. It's liberating. Sprinkling resumes everywhere. No more, "What if I get pregnant?!" Maybe I will and maybe I won't. I put the breaks on my life for a year and a half and all I got was one lousy miscarriage. I need to live again and hope for good news down the line.

Wish me luck Monday morning!

Crying in the Shower

Crying in the shower can be terrible or it can be liberating. I am trying to focus on liberation and slough off some layers I don't need. I have layers of regret and layers of jealously (huge, puffy swaths of jealously that have wrapped and wrapped around my body). I have layers of nostalgia that haunt me and won't let anything else measure up. I have layers of preoccupation that blind me from the good of the present.

I can only live now. I can only live as I do. I can change my life with choices and action but I cannot change it with obsession or regret.

I may always be a chubby and infertile woman who wants so badly to be a pretty mom. I may always be middle class and vacation by car. I may always shop at the discount store. I may cry in the shower on the first day of my period every time until menopause. I can handle that. I need to quit imagining another woman's future and imagine and seek my own.