Crying in the Shower

Crying in the shower can be terrible or it can be liberating. I am trying to focus on liberation and slough off some layers I don't need. I have layers of regret and layers of jealously (huge, puffy swaths of jealously that have wrapped and wrapped around my body). I have layers of nostalgia that haunt me and won't let anything else measure up. I have layers of preoccupation that blind me from the good of the present.

I can only live now. I can only live as I do. I can change my life with choices and action but I cannot change it with obsession or regret.

I may always be a chubby and infertile woman who wants so badly to be a pretty mom. I may always be middle class and vacation by car. I may always shop at the discount store. I may cry in the shower on the first day of my period every time until menopause. I can handle that. I need to quit imagining another woman's future and imagine and seek my own.