Planning a next step

It's Sunday night and I am stuffed full of pizza. We had friends over to watch the Bears lose. The game was disappointing.

Now that I've been at the new job for three weeks, I am feeling more settled. I like the people pretty well. I can see that I may get bored sometimes but I am usually busy enough. I can also feel that my internal dialogue will be getting back to normal soon. I am once again sad and weepy about not 18 months of trying and no baby. I shouldn't compare myself to others but I do. I really shouldn't read internet message boards about parenting. "95% of healthy couples will get pregnant in a year." Well, that means we've won the shit lottery or we're unhealthy. I hate either option.

I think that once the holidays are over, it's time to go to a reproductive doctor. I have the referral from April somewhere. I could call and get another if need be. I expect my period in about a week. After that, I need to discuss with Billy and give the Month of December our very best shot with timing and such. For my 31st birthday in January, I want to be pregnant or have a plan about how to get there. The normal people way of just having sex and waiting hasn't worked for us.

Thankful

It's turkey Thursday and we have come back from Mom's place in the woods. Dad joined us for dinner and Pat. Amanda, Carmelo and the kids came. It was really nice. Billy even had a good time.

Amanda brought with her four tiny grey kittens from her in-laws' place. The neighbor cat had a litter of eight kitties! Mom was planning to take two and Ingrid got two. Well, Dad ended up taking home Mom's kittens. It's for the best really. He's been lonely since Bosco and Liver died. He needs some house cats.

I have come full circle and I am so thankful for the shitty year. It's over and I can tuck it in and put it to bed. No more 2011 ever. I'll never take for granted the things I have enjoyed. I have a loving family. I want it to grow but I cannot control how it grows and when and where. I can only try and keep smiling. People kill for what I have. Billy worships the ground I walk on and he brings me coffee in bed and never mentions my chub. He works hard for us and wants to be with me. I have a home that is made of lovely reddish bricks and it keeps me and my animals warm and safe. I have never gone hungry and I have medical coverage. I am as privileged as any human could ever dare to dream.

I am called aunt, sister, wife, daughter, friend. Thank you universe. I accept what is coming anyway. I will try to be like water and flow. I will try to be like metal and toughen with blows. I will try to be like a feather and fly where the winds will take me. I will try to be loyal and give. I will try to be deserving of the blessings I have received. Thank you.

Big Sweeping Changes Again

It's November now and the wind is loud. The weather is really mild and nearly 70 degrees in the sunshine. The tree out front has only a few yellow leaves on the bottom branches. When I found out I was pregnant this summer, I anticipated a baby bump for fall. I had a shopping cart full of maternity clothes with cute shawl collars and cardigans.

It sounds so melodramatic typed out like this but in real life I am not melodramatic. Days go by without thoughts of the miscarriage. So last week on a lark I went to the pregnancy message board I had joined for February 2012 babies. I was shocked to find women in their third trimester! Some women had already given birth. Granted they were super preemies but it blew me away. I hadn't done the math. In my mind, I had been not pregnant for a "little while." It was months.

As the non-pregnancy time passed, it became more an more apparent that I needed to make a change. I had decided to stay at the wine store until I had a baby. I made the decision over a year ago and here I am, no baby coming and who knows how long it could be. I wasn't happy in that job for a while. The commute killed me and I began to dread the holiday season.

Through some sort of crazy luck, I got three job interviews within two weeks. I got offered a job working in the wine department of a new grocery store (I passed) and I got offered the job of working the front desk at a rehab center for handicapped children and adults. I took it.

So tomorrow, I will begin my new job. It's five miles away and pays not much. I will see kids every day. I am excited.

2011 will be remembered as a difficult year. I want to close the chapter and start something fresh.