Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Dear Advice Columnist

preface: I recognize the first world nature of this problem and I am truly thankful that I have a job.

The short of it:

I have very little work to do. I need to look busy for the next three months before I quit my job. How do I do this in a cubicle with not much privacy? Any suggestions for keeping sane?

The long of it:

My boss isn't very good at using me as an assistant and I am not sure what to do. She is somewhat sour. She gives me only menial tasks which I happily do. When I offer my help, she looks annoyed. Hell, when I peek into her office to say hello, she looks annoyed. She has a bit of a martyr complex and works long hours and does everything herself. I have always approached her in a friendly way saying, "If you need any help with anything, I'm up to date," with a smile. She sort of stares/glares at me which makes me uncomfortable and even more smiley. It's very disconcerting. After her annoyance became very obvious, I stopped coming to her looking for more work because I could tell it bothers her and I worry it might hurt me to bring attention to it. She once asked me if I'd mind helping out in another department and I told her I would be happy to help anyone. So far, nada.

I have happily done everything I am ever assigned. I have a few regular responsibilities that I complete religiously. I keep the office perfectly stocked with copies of everything at the ready. I have taken it upon myself to clear out lots of backed up files. I can take an afternoon to organize a binder until it's pristine. HR has never had such perfect records. Her non feedback makes me second guess myself all the time.

I am not eligible for any maternity leave and I think she may correctly suspect I am not coming back. I know that the last two people in my position didn't do very well. Both were fired for insubordination. Cue scary music. In the beginning, I though that maybe she had bad assistants before but once she realized I was smart and really worked, she would use me more. That has not happened. I need to ride this out until July. I keep telling myself, "Seven more pay checks," as a mantra. It isn't the worst job ever but it is really boring for me.

I have a cube with a screen that faces the hallway and she can see my back. Our internet usage is probably monitored and many sites are blocked. I can't read books or play on my phone.

Right now I keep a few files open. I read old resumes. I read HR articles. I create insane amounts of supporting documents. I pee hourly. I write grocery lists, baby name lists, nursery ideas, poems, anything. I do any and all work that comes in. I try to do it methodically and not too fast. Until this job, I've been so used to being overworked and being recognized as a really hard worker. This strange invisibility sucks. Maybe I am expecting too much. I really like to be busy and it bums me out that I am not. I am over the recognition part. So what the hell do I do? Any suggestions?

Sunday, April 15, 2012

23 Weeks

How far along are you? 23 weeks
How big is baby? a papaya (which I though wasn't that big until I walked past one in the grocery store yesterday and was shocked at how large it really was)
Weight gain/loss? This past week, I was up two pounds for the month. I think I am still down a pound from the beginning. I was at my very heaviest, so it's okay.
Stretch marks? same
Maternity clothes? Yes. I need to get more. I wore a regular shirt on Friday (one of my very largest) and I wore a super long tank under it but it looked wrong. It kept working its way up my belly.
Best moment this week? Billy telling me that he's really excited we're having a girl. I know that the sex doesn't matter to him but our culture is so preconditioned to want boys that it means a lot to me that he really is getting excited about her.
Gender? It's going to remain a girl until she comes out. No more ultrasounds even if they were wrong. I don't think they were though. A tech and a doctor said girl. The doctor pointed out labia, so I am thinking it wasn't a case of a tucked penis.
Movement? Every day now but not all the time. It comes and goes.
Belly button? same. It used to mark a waist but not anymore!
Symptoms? I've been quite tired. Also weepy. I cried so hard yesterday when I heard a version of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. I also cried reading a captioned picture on facebook.
Cravings? Sour cream (not alone, I just love it on and in anything) and cheese. Fruit.
What do I miss? A stiff drink
What I'm looking forward to this week? Book club next weekend will be fun. I also plan to do some maternity shopping.
Milestones? Nothing official. I have my diabetes test scheduled for next month. I am only two weeks away from viability which blows my mind.

Friday, April 6, 2012

First Outside Kicks!

Last night Billy felt her kicking! I put his hand on the left side of my belly while she was moving around and he barely felt something. He said he wasn't sure if that was it but he got wide eyed the very second she started a series of bam, bam, bam, jabs right below his hand. He felt her!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

21 Weeks

How far along are you? 21 weeks
How big is baby? a canteloupe
Weight gain/loss? Gaining for sure but I haven't been weighed in three weeks.
Stretch marks? same
Maternity clothes? Yes.
Best moment this week? Buying my very first baby clothes
Gender? Holy Shit. It's a girl!
Movement? Every day now
Belly button? same.
Symptoms? sleepiness, mood swings and weepiness, angry driving and hunger. My breasts have hot pains every once in a while and a feel and aching pressure in my pubic bone when I stand up.
Cravings? Fruit, dairy, pickles and olives. I can demolish a fruit popsicle or an olive like no one's business.
What do I miss? booze. I have been craving a cold glass of chardonnay or a beer or a gin and tonic all the time.
What I'm looking forward to this week? A day off with my baby daddy on Friday and a three day weekend. I hope to go baby furniture shopping!
Milestones? Just relishing the knowledge I'll have a daughter. I have so many hopes for her and wishes but mostly I want to see her form into the person she wants to be. That will be amazing.