Saturday, August 11, 2:00 am - It is two days before my due date and two days before I have a scheduled induction. I wake up suddenly with a sharp pain in my right side. I immediately know I cannot lay down. I must get up and move.
2:30-3:30 - I take a hot bath and rock my hips during early contractions. I splash hot water on my stomach and it helps distract me. They feel like period cramps but cover my whole abdomen. They are painful but not impossible to deal with.
4:00 - I am out of the bath and just stumbling around the house leaning on things when I hear Billy get up. I am in the computer room and he yells down to ask if I'm OK. I tell him, "I don't know. I think I'm in labor."
4:00-5:30 - I time my contractions. Billy does it for me on his phone and then takes a shower. I lumber around the house in pain.
5:30 - I call the OB answering service and Dr. H calls right back. I expect her to ask a lot of questions but she only asks how far apart are the contractions. I tell her 3 1/2 to 4 1/2 minutes and she says, "Why don't you come in." It's that simple.
6:00- We arrive at the hospital. There was no traffic and my contractions aren't very bad in the car. Even going over train tracks was okay. I convince myself it's false labor and feel guilty on the drive. They're going to send me home and I'll be back on Monday for my induction.
We get wheeled to a room. I stop to vomit on the ride from the ER to L&D but I am still thinking I'll be sent home. I have monitors put on my stomach and find out I have Nancy, the nurse who also did my hospital tour. I like her and take it as a good sign. I get checked and they tell me I am 2-3 centimeters and contracting every two minutes. I am staying.
8:00 - Dr. H comes in and breaks my water. I am 4 centimeters. I ask for an epidural. I can handle the pain just fine but I don't really want to feel any worse and I am tired from so little sleep. I had toyed with trying for a med free delivery but I feel no guilt in asking for the epidural.
Starting around this time, I lose track of the hours and time just flows. The epidural scares me just a little but it is smooth sailing and the relief is instant and wonderful. I lie back and relax for a while. A few hours pass with just Nancy checking on me every once in a while and Billy quietly sitting. I say at 5-6 centimeters for over two hours and Nancy asks if can give me just a little pitocin. I agree.
As soon as she gives me the pitocin, something happens with my epidural. The anesthesiologist later tells me he thinks the line moved. I go from good pain management to nothing within a few minutes. I can feel my legs and every contraction throughout my body. I writhe in pain and begin very long yoga breaths. I soon start vocalizing on the exhale and I sound like a loud whale or cow with each noise. Nancy calls them "humming" but they sound like animal braying to me.
She realizes that something is wrong with my pain management and calls the anesthesiologist back. It is a new doctor who is also very nice. He instantly gives me a shot of lidocane in my line and that helps but doesn't take away all the pain. Within five minutes, I am back to feeling everything and braying just trying to stay in control. He realizes that I need to have the epidural replaced.
It is very difficult to stay still and arch my back like a cat as I go through transition at 7-8 centimeters on pitocin. I dig deep and keep moaning and braying but I am still and the doctor does it. Nancy holds my shoulders and Billy talks me through it. I see the door open and Dr. P, a different OB from my practice, looks in but closes the door and does not enter. The room must look like a circus with me moaning and everyone around me. I realize it's a shift change and Dr. P will deliver me. I like him very much. He is my "regular" doctor and the one who helped me through my miscarriage.
This epidural is stronger and my legs get hot and tingly. I am dead weight from my ribs down but the pain is gone and I am so happy. I truly cannot move myself at all and my legs feel like bread dough to touch. I can finally relax and within minutes I am 9 centimeters.
They set up the table for delivery and Nancy tells me I will have the baby by 4:00. The baby's head is already so far down she tells me. I look up at the clock and it's 3:00 in the afternoon. I am happy. It's almost over in my mind. I watched my sister give birth and the pushing took about 20 minutes. I am about to meet my baby!
They turn down my epidural. I do a few practice pushes with Nancy and Dr. P comes in. He looks bothered while I push and I ask if I am doing it right. He assures me I am a good pusher but the baby isn't cooperating. He reaches in and tries to change the baby's position. It is really uncomfortable. It isn't for a few more pushes that I understand she is sunny side up and he cannot turn her.
My "easy" pushing is suddenly very difficult. Within 15 minutes of pushing she is crowning on each push. My epidural is off and I quickly feel everything. They bring in the big mirror so I can focus on pushing down and out. Watching myself push is fascinating and hideous but it helps me focus. I keep watching. I see the hair and with each push it gets sucked back up. I am so discouraged. It feels wrong. It hurts so badly. I don't feel any relief in pushing or any urge to keep going. Everything I've read about knowing how to do it is wrong. I feel like I am trying to blow up a balloon while pooping through my perineum. I am trying my very best and nothing is happening. My logical brain no longer works and I believe that I will be stuck here forever, just pushing in writhing pain. My legs are shaky and my hips hurt from the frog position. The doctor begins to leave the room and I want to cry. I am not even close enough for him to stay and watch.
Dr. P comes and goes. The time passed so slowly. Before the hours were minutes. Now the minutes are hours. The pain is so strong but it isn't frightening. It's just so overwhelming.
He is finally back and explaining that he is going to let me keep pushing and try to deliver vaginally but that the OR is being prepped in case we need it. I ask him to help me. It's been an hour and a half without progress and I am giving my absolute everything on each push. "Can you suction her out?" He says they will try. Meanwhile, I keep pushing with all my might and watch her come down and get sucked back. I want to give in to a c-section so badly but I know that it will take time to prep. I will have to get another epidural or, more likely, they'll knock me out. Then I will have to recover from surgery. I can feel everything now. It will be faster if I just push her out. Please, God, let her come out.
I see Dr. P grab the suction cup in one hand and I silently pray/beg that it will help. He grabs some pinchers with his hand and pinches my labia. He asks if I can feel it and I can. I instantly know what is coming.
He picks up the world's biggest needle. It is about a foot long and old fashioned with two metal circles for a plunger. Someone needs to invent some obstetrical instruments that look like they are from this century. I see and feel the other nurse swab me with iodine. I feel the pricks numbing me. The pain doesn't even register. Then I see the scissors in his hand. I look away from the mirror and hear the crunching snips. Snip, snip, snip. There's more than one. I don't even care anymore. I need some change. What we've been doing isn't working. A contraction comes as Dr. P reaches for the suction cup. I yell, "Ok," which I has been my command to the nurse and Billy to pull back my legs and begin counting every time I push. I bear down with all the might I have and close my eyes. On that push, I finally feel it. She is really crowning. Dr. P yells, "That's it. You can stop." and I look up to see my baby being lifted between my legs. One push was all it look and she was completely out. It is 17:53. I pushed for two hours.
I was so shaken and shocked. Ten seconds earlier I believed she would never come. I thought I was heading to surgery after a suction cup attempt. Instead, I see the suction cup covered in blood from his glove but not used. I see the tray of bloody needles and instruments. I don't even care. She is out now.
Billy is crying happy tears and my mind is reeling. I say something dumb like, "She's out," or "That's the baby." I don't cry at all because I am just so shocked.
The next hour is a blur of stitches, both inside and out. Dr. P tells me my cervix is black and blue. He also tells me he really didn't think I had it in me to push out a sunny side up baby after 16 hours of a first labor. I can tell he's impressed. The nurses are too.
The baby is perfect. Absolutely perfect. Her heart rate never wavered. She was born screaming. She pooped under the warming lights and nursed as soon as I held her. She is the best baby on earth, truly.
