Only a couple more days before baby has a sex

My big ultrasound is coming up on Tuesday morning. Although I have suspected a boy all along, now that we are about to find out, I am suddenly unsure. No matter which way my brain goes, I am confused and excited. Knowing one way or another will change everything just a little bit.

The name talks will change and the shopping, of course. I am mostly nervous to know if we will be the parents of a son or the parents of a daughter. Families of boys are different from families of girls.

Three years form now, will my house be filled with with pink wands and glitter or cars and dinosaurs? Will I be worried about princess culture or weapon toys? Will I worry that my baby girl will be undermined in her studies or passed over in class as she enters womanhood? Will I worry about my son learning to respect everyone and act without aggression?

The sex talks, the respect talks, the self-esteem talks, the bully talks...all the big talks will be colored by the sex and the gender my child displays.

What if my child is gay? What if my child is republican? What if my child has a cleft lip? Down syndrome? A limp? A lisp? A learning disability? A savant-like gift? A promising talent that we will have to choose to foster to the fullest or choose to not and encourage a regular childhood? What is my child is obese and teased? What if my child is frail and sickly?

I play terrible games of this or that. Would I rather have a baby who is __ or __?

Feeling the clock tick toward more information, I know I would not choose. I don't want to design my child or know the future. If someone had told me last spring, "You will get pregnant soon but miscarry right away and it will be awful. Then just a couple weeks later one of your sister's twins will die and that will be ten times worse than the miscarriage," I would have spent the spring in the fetal position sobbing. Instead, I spent the summer sobbing but I lived through it and I got stronger. I grieved my baby and I grieved baby Enzo and I admired my sister's strength and grew stronger myself.

If someone had told me this fall, "As soon as you take that new job that pays less, you will get pregnant that same month and not be eligible for any maternity leave. Oh, and Billy's promotion will come through as an assistant manager, not a manager so you won't have as much money as you think," I would have stayed at the better paying job that made me miserable. I wouldn't be working close to home and having all this free time and feeling so much more balanced. I'd still be commuting an hour each way and getting home in the dark.

So the ultrasound will sharpen the focus on the future. The picture will still be fuzzy and the future will be hidden but knowing if it's a son or a daughter who rolls and bumps inside me will give me another hint of our life to come.

How far along are you? 19 weeks
How big is baby? a mango or papaya. I forgot.
Weight gain/loss? Not sure.
Stretch marks? I found some on the sides of my back. My waist is quickly disappearing.
Maternity clothes? Almost 100%
Best moment this week? Feeling this baby really move and swim around.
Gender? Only three more days until we know.
Movement? Every day now. Little bumps and flippy swirls that feel like gas only in the wrong spot or like water sloshing or like a muffled pop.
Belly button? same
Symptoms? burping, heartburn, moodiness, nipples are constantly hard and dark brown.
Cravings? Cold things - slushies and ice cream.
What do I miss? Looking one way or another. I am just about to cross the threshold into obviously pregnant territory but right now I just feel as if I look fat.
What I'm looking forward to this week? Babies big closeup on Tuesday.
Milestones? I learned that Taco Bell is a terrible idea, that water can bring on heartburn and that I need to sleep on my side now.

Eighteen Weeks

How far along are you? 18 weeks
How big is baby? a sweet potato
Weight gain/loss? All this time I was sure I was gaining weight. Belly is bigger, pants are tight. Well, I am still down six pounds from the beginning of the pregnancy. So, I've gained 1 pound in the past month. Not too bad.
Stretch marks? a few
Maternity clothes? Yes. No more regular pants unless I have them banded and unbuttoned. My waist is no more.
Best moment this week? My appointment yesterday was great. Heartbeat is at a perfect 154 and everything is measuring correctly.
Gender? We will get to find out in two weeks. EEEK
Movement? Tiny little burbles and bubbles that I think must be the baby.
Belly button? same
Symptoms? hip pain, heartburn, still very tired, moody.
Cravings? Not really. I'll dream of food but I'll eat everything.
What do I miss? an hourglass shape. I feel lumpy but not so lumpy that I am cutely pregnant.
What I'm looking forward to this week? The weekend is coming and it will be over 60 degrees
Milestones? I started prenatal yoga last night. I came home the good kind of sore and went straight to bed at 8:30.

Seventeen Weeks

How far along are you? 17 weeks
How big is baby? an onion. One book tells me the baby is about the size of my hand if it's spread open. That seems so big.
Weight gain/loss? Gaining.
Stretch marks? a few
Maternity clothes? about half the time. I have a belly band. I wore a stretchy dress today. No more regular pants for a while.
Best moment this week? Billy is on vacation and has kept the house nice and made dinner. He has also started talking names with me.
Gender? Today I would swear it's a boy.
Movement? Sometimes I think maybe. I bet it will happen soon.
Belly button? nothing different.
Symptoms? sore hips and difficulty sleeping on my side.
Cravings? No. I just get really hungry really quickly sometimes.
What do I miss? Champagne, sleeping comfortably.
What I'm looking forward to this week? Dressing up for the work gala on Saturday. Now I need to find a dress that says "cutely pregnant" not "just fat."
Milestones? My boss knows and I imagine my co-workers will figure it out soon. My belly has poofed out and is quite thick. I still have a line across my waist, so I look like I have a pooch and top gut instead of a smooth bump. I hate that.

Mothers, grrr

As much as I love my mother, and I do, she can drive me crazy with one word and one look. Today is a perfect example. Mom and I are both pretty curvy. Neither of us eats or exercises perfectly. Somehow, mom has decided that she should still lecture me on health constantly. I mentioned that I had some kettle corn watching a movie and she interrupted me to say, "You just can't do that!"

We went out to breakfast today and I ordered biscuits and gravy. It sounded so good and it was. It was also really big. I said, "Wow, next time I'll go for the half order."

"I was thinking of suggesting that but :sigh: you'd probably just get mad at me."

I looked at her and said, "You're right. I would." Then I smiled and ate a bunch of delicious biscuits and gravy."

Week Fifteen

This morning was a monumental day in personal finance. For the first time since I was very young child, I have no personal bank account. For an fiercely guarded person, this is anxiety inducing. All through my relationship and into marriage, I have kept a personal account to hold my money. It's always been just my fun money and the extra bit I save to use on gifts and treats for myself. The bulk of everything has gone into the joint accounts that buy our groceries and gas. Now, I have nothing except my hollow book. I have dropped my last safety net of financial security but it was needed. I won't have an income in six months and I am putting everything toward savings now. The account accrued a service fee for the first time last month (grr) because I didn't use it enough. I was going to get another fee next week. So I closed it. I used to keep about a thousand dollars in it. I used to feel uneasy if our savings dipped below $8,000. Today, I moved my last $139 into our savings account of $2,000. What a difference a house and baby make!\

How far along are you? 15 weeks
How big is baby? an orange
Weight gain/loss? probably gaining. Belly is bigger!
Stretch marks? they look SO red fresh out of the shower.
Maternity clothes? Not to work yet
Best moment this week? My boss is back and likes me so I can tell her next week.
Gender? Last night I dreamed it was a girl. I was surprised when I woke up but not in the dream
Movement? I pause and pay attention to every sensation. I am convinced it will happen soon.
Belly button? regular but itchy.
Symptoms? Heartburn like crazy, itching like crazy, my nipples are so dark and my hands are scaly and dry.
Cravings? nothing much. I forget to eat at work until I am starving.
What do I miss? looking nice. My hair is yucky and the old dye is growing out a bit differently than the hennaed top. I feel dowdy.
What I'm looking forward to this week? Planning on telling work for real.
Milestones? Today I wore maternity clothes! I have a maternity sweater and jeans on. Both from Goodwill. How great is that?

Week Fourteen

I just made it! I think I am 15 weeks tomorrow.

How far along are you? 14 weeks
How big is baby? a lemon
Weight gain/loss? probably gaining
Stretch marks? same.
Maternity clothes? I bought another pair of maternity jeans from Goodwill and I washed everything.
Best moment this week? Dinner last night with Mom.
Gender? I am back on boy
Movement? no
Belly button? regular
Symptoms? So itchy! My nipples are very dark and my heartburn is ferocious.
Cravings? nothing in particular but I am hungry
What do I miss? nice skin. I am dry and scaly.
What I'm looking forward to this week? Maybe telling work
Milestones? Only a month until we can find out the sex and get another ultrasound!

Money Worries

When I took the new job, I wasn't too concerned about the pay cut. We would be fine on the two modest salaries and Billy would soon get promoted to manager. My pessimism about getting pregnant slated me for a 2014 baby at the earliest. We would be fine!

So now that I am so very happily pregnant, we have experienced a few big financial changes. First and worst, our mortgage went up $400 per month. Our escrow was messed up and in the red. The lender is an idiot and didn't realize that the estimated taxes and actual taxes didn't match up for two years. That $400 is a big chunk of our money.

Second, Billy got promoted but to assistant manager. It's still a raise. That's great and I am so proud of him. We were led to believe he's go straight to manager but that's life. Unfortunately, the pay isn't as high. It's a great help but I don't think we can live off just his wages with our million dollar mortgage.

That leaves me. I will get no maternity leave. I am not ever eligible for FMLA to hold my job. I honestly don't know what they will offer me. If I go back to this job, I will be paying well over half my earnings in child care. It upsets me so much. I wanted to, no, want to stay at home. I am just not sure if that's feasible. Going back seems no smarter financially.

I need to figure out a part time job, a better paying job a gig or something that will help the family and not require full-time child care. Until then, we save. No babymoon. No push presents. I wasn't expecting those anyway.

Sunday Night at home - Enchilada Pie

My sickness has broken. It is now just fountains of boogers running down my throat and face followed by wet sneezes. Lovely.

We spent today going to Naperville to look at a fancy baby furniture store. It was way outside our budget and I only liked a couple cribs. One was $1,300! I think we will stick to the $300 crib (no longer feeling guilty about that price) and look for two nice antique/vintage dressers. Our local consignment furniture store usually has nice pieces at Ikea prices. Only they're often well made with hard woods and good carpentry.

We came home underwhelmed by the thought of a 3K nursery. I announced the pregnancy on facebook today and I got the appropriate excited responses. I am also cooking dinner. Go me!

This one looks pretty good for a pantry meal

Enchilada Pie:

4 flour tortillas the size of a pie pan (9 inches I think)

1 can black beans

1 can enchilada sauce

1/2 cup frozen corn

1 cup diced tomato. I had about 10 big cherry tomatoes.

1 few diced shrimp, cause I had them

1 cup shredded cheese

1/4 cup sour cream

garlic powder - that's right. Too lazy to microplane a clove of garlic.

Chop up the tomatoes and shrimp. Toss with the corn and rinsed beans. Season with salt and garlic powder but not too much.

Rub a little olive oil on the bottom of the pan. Beginning with a tortilla on the bottom, layer 1/3 of the veggies and sour cream on top and about 1/4 of the sauce and cheese. Repeat with two more tortillas. Place last tortilla on top of veggies and pour over the remaining sauce and sprinkle with the remaining cheese. Bake at 350 degrees for 35 minutes. Let cool ten minutes before serving.

Sick at Week Thirteen

I spent the majority of this week in bed. My cold quickly became a full-blown illness with a super congested nose, green snot and a sore throat. I was so upset to have those few days of feeling good only to have them whisked away. Now, I think I am on the mend but I am still tired and sore. Now my nose is red and raw and I am scared about how this affects the baby.

I also have a painful little spot in my arm pit that I think it a lymph node. I thought I had a pimple or ingrown hair, so I tried to squeeze it. I quickly realized that isn't the case. So now my crazy brain is on cancer watch. I am not touching it and hoping it's related to the sickness.

In other news, I have been really lucky this pregnancy to only vomit a few times. Well, tonight was one of them. I had a strong craving for a baked potato and pickles. So, that's what I made. A few bites into my delicious food, I had the sudden realization that it was going to come up, pronto. I have never had such a random onset of the puking.

Now, Billy is making me an oven corn dog. Yes, I am aware of the irony of wanting a corn dog after vomiting. Pregnancy is so weird.

How far along are you? 13 weeks
How big is baby? a peach
Weight gain/loss? waistbands are tight
Stretch marks? same. Today I took a bath and looked down. I thought I had a linea negra. I literally gasped. I was so surprised to see that line. Then I looked at it and realized it was crooked...and it matched up with the seam of my pajama pants. D'oh!
Maternity clothes? I bought a few things this week. It was a total mix from Marshall's and Goodwill.Yes, Goodwill. I don't want to go broke on maternity clothes.
Best moment this week? Finding a maternity tankini top with the tags on for $2!
Gender? No clue
Movement? round ligament pain. Damn, that stuff hurts.
Belly button? regular
Symptoms? Other than my sickness, just tiredness, breast itching and darkening, my bloat is slowly firming up.
Cravings? apples, pineapple, chicken soup
What do I miss? feeling good
What I'm looking forward to this week? I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday, Valentines Day! I think we will announce this pregnancy on Facebook too.
Milestones? Totally random vomiting and pickle cravings on the same day! Now, that's pregnancy. Also, I am entering my second trimester this week.

Twelve Weeks

How far along are you? 12 weeks
How big is baby? a plum or a lime
Weight gain/loss? I think I may have gained a couple pounds
Stretch marks? same
Maternity clothes? Almost need them. I wore my pants fastened with a hair tie this week. Billy is so sweet. He won a Super Bowl pool and is giving me the $200 to buy maternity clothes.
Best moment this week? I've had some really energetic and happy times
Gender? I have had more and more girl thoughts.
Movement? deep down cramping on occasion. While I can't feel the baby move, I can sense the mass that is my uterus when I bend.
Belly button? The same.
Symptoms? Sneezing, itching, terrible tasting mouth (not metallic - just gross), puking every time I think about a toothbrush and heartburn
Cravings? Fruit. I ate two bananas and an apple today. Avocado all week and sour pickled things.
What do I miss? having a full wardrobe to choose from
What I'm looking forward to this week? One step closer to the second trimester. Oh, and a party at my sister in law's place on Friday.
Milestones? Starting to put away some regular clothes.

Eleven Weeks

How far along are you? 11 weeks
How big is baby? a lime. Doesn't that sound big?
Weight gain/loss? No clue until the doctor weighs me
Stretch marks? same
Maternity clothes? I bought pants and a dress a Target. I'll need them soon enough.
Best moment this week? I am going to look at baby furniture today.
Gender? my feeling has been boy but I don't care either way.
Movement? no but I've had some odd cramps on my sides.
Belly button? The same.
Symptoms? Breast pain, itchiness, swelling and anything else that can happen to a breast. General ickiness and still very tired.
Cravings? Fruit and carbs, Coca-cola and Dr. Pepper
What do I miss? feeling pretty
What I'm looking forward to this week? Feeling a bit better every day. Oh, and I'll tell my book club on the weekend.
Milestones? Today I have 200 days left in this pregnancy. That seems doable.

I'm ALIVE!

Today, for the first time in over a month, I cooked food. I actually chopped and onion and made some black beans and rice for dinner. Yes, it was simple and yes, it was on the bland side, but it was still really tasty. I don't care. It's a victory. Real food. Real cooking. I am coming back to life. Thank you end of the first trimester.

Billy is also thrilled. I did the dishes. He's had to do them for weeks. I would wretch at the smell. I couldn't even open our garbage can without holding my breath. Did you know holding you breath can make you gag? Yeah. That sucked.

Ten Weeks/31 years

I turned 31 yesterday. I didn't eat cake or celebrate. Billy worked a late shift so we had the whole morning. He made me breakfast and shoveled the driveway and sidewalk. I wasn't allowed to help. I went to my Mom's for the afternoon. I rocked my nephew and cooed at him. I watched him get so excited he laughed little belly laughs. My sister gave ma a beautiful baby wrap. I napped. I ate some real food and I went home. Billy brought me sparkling grape juice and we watched an episode of Bones and fell asleep on the couch. It was a great birthday despite making a terrible story.

I felt strong and happy all day. I was surrounded by love and fun. The dogs and cats all visited me and slept on my lap. I felt lucky all day long.

How far along are you? 10 weeks
How big is baby? A prune. Gross.
Weight gain/loss? About the same as last week
Stretch marks? Same ole, same ole
Maternity clothes? Not yet but I think I should buy some soon
Best moment this week? having my birthday and closing the book on the past year
Gender? I go back and forth. For the first time, I think it might be a girl. Also the heartbeat was a girl heart beat. I got my old wives tales wrong.
Movement? not for another couple months. I can feel something internal if I bend over. It's a new presence.
Belly button? The same.
Symptoms? Feeling so much better this past week. I can stay up past 8pm and I often enjoy food.
Cravings? sour and vinegar things like pickles, lemons and vinaigrettes.
What do I miss? warm weather
What I'm looking forward to this week? just moving forward
Milestones? 25% there!

Nine Weeks

How far along are you? 9.5 weeks
How big is baby? The size of a green olive...yummy salty green olive.
Weight gain/loss? I lost 5 pounds in the past 4 weeks
Stretch marks? Same ole, same ole
Maternity clothes? No but I ripped a hope in the back of one of my few pairs of pants today
Best moment this week? An hour ago hearing the baby's heartbeat on the doppler
Gender? I still think boy. It has a boy heart rate (170)
Movement? no.
Belly button? The same.
Symptoms? Sour stomach and the breast pain is back. Feeling stronger but still very sleepy. Food aversions are more patchy now. Pimples are new and breast itching too.
Cravings? Mostly bland stuff, fruit and yogurt with occasional forays into real food.
What do I miss? energy
What I'm looking forward to this week? sleep
Milestones? first doppler heart beat!