Five Year Anniversary

This week we celebrate 5 years of marriage. I am so surprised by how quickly that has happened. I feel like exactly the same person when I look at myself. Then I remember all that has happened since with jobs, trying to get pregnant, family, friends, and wrinkles. It's definitely been five years.

Back from a long pause

Somehow, two and a half years have gone by. I didn't even remember my password to get in and update the blog for a while. So what has happened? Just a little bit of everything.

Motherhood, meeting a soul mate in my daughter, tough times in my family, parenting: shit it is hard, marriage feeling challenges but getting stronger, my body feeling defeated but getting stronger, not working, babysitting for work, working on my fitness, losing some weight, my house being a disaster always.

Basically, we exploded into a family.

And it is wonderful. Truly. But I feel like I'm just getting to the surface after a long and hard swim.

I just got another curveball. I have had a wonderful babysitting job. Perfect part-time hours for a teacher's kids and great pay. I was just gearing up for a summer off with some saved money and back to babysitting in the school year but it isn't meant to be. The family is moving this summer. While I'm really excited for them, my throat tightens with worry. I need to find something else to bring some money into the family.

That's what is on my mind this week.

Labor

Saturday, August 11, 2:00 am - It is two days before my due date and two days before I have a scheduled induction. I wake up suddenly with a sharp pain in my right side. I immediately know I cannot lay down. I must get up and move.

2:30-3:30 - I take a hot bath and rock my hips during early contractions. I splash hot water on my stomach and it helps distract me. They feel like period cramps but cover my whole abdomen. They are painful but not impossible to deal with.

4:00 - I am out of the bath and just stumbling around the house leaning on things when I hear Billy get up. I am in the computer room and he yells down to ask if I'm OK. I tell him,  "I don't know. I think I'm in labor."

4:00-5:30 - I time my contractions. Billy does it for me on his phone and then takes a shower. I lumber around the house in pain.

5:30 - I call the OB answering service and Dr. H calls right back. I expect her to ask a lot of questions but she only asks how far apart are the contractions. I tell her 3 1/2 to 4 1/2 minutes and she says, "Why don't you come in." It's that simple.

6:00- We arrive at the hospital. There was no traffic and my contractions aren't very bad in the car. Even going over train tracks was okay. I convince myself it's false labor and feel guilty on the drive. They're going to send me home and I'll be back on Monday for my induction.

We get wheeled to a room. I stop to vomit on the ride from the ER to L&D but I am still thinking I'll be sent home. I have monitors put on my stomach and find out I have Nancy, the nurse who also did my hospital tour. I like her and take it as a good sign. I get checked and they tell me I am 2-3 centimeters and contracting every two minutes. I am staying.

8:00 - Dr. H comes in and breaks my water. I am 4 centimeters. I ask for an epidural. I can handle the pain just fine but I don't really want to feel any worse and I am tired from so little sleep. I had toyed with trying for a med free delivery but I feel no guilt in asking for the epidural.

Starting around this time, I lose track of the hours and time just flows.  The epidural scares me just a little but it is smooth sailing and the relief is instant and wonderful. I lie back and relax for a while. A few hours pass with just Nancy checking on me every once in a while and Billy quietly sitting. I say at 5-6 centimeters for over two hours and Nancy asks if can give me just a little pitocin. I agree.

As soon as she gives me the pitocin, something happens with my epidural. The anesthesiologist later tells me he thinks the line moved. I go from good pain management to nothing within a few minutes. I can feel my legs and every contraction throughout my body. I writhe in pain and begin very long yoga breaths. I soon start vocalizing on the exhale and I sound like a loud whale or cow with each noise. Nancy calls them "humming" but they sound like animal braying to me.

She realizes that something is wrong with my pain management and calls the anesthesiologist back. It is a new doctor who is also very nice. He instantly gives me a shot of lidocane in my line and that helps but doesn't take away all the pain. Within five minutes, I am back to feeling everything and braying just trying to stay in control. He realizes that I need to have the epidural replaced.

It is very difficult to stay still and arch my back like a cat as I go through transition at 7-8 centimeters on pitocin. I dig deep and keep moaning and braying but I am still and the doctor does it. Nancy holds my shoulders and Billy talks me through it. I see the door open and Dr. P, a different OB from my practice, looks in but closes the door and does not enter. The room must look like a circus with me moaning and everyone around me. I realize it's a shift change and Dr. P will deliver me. I like him very much. He is my "regular" doctor and the one who helped me through my miscarriage.

This epidural is stronger and my legs get hot and tingly. I am dead weight from my ribs down but the pain is gone and I am so happy. I truly cannot move myself at all and my legs feel like bread dough to touch.  I can finally relax and within minutes I am 9 centimeters.

They set up the table for delivery and Nancy tells me I will have the baby by 4:00. The baby's head is already so far down she tells me. I look up at the clock and it's 3:00 in the afternoon. I am happy. It's almost over in my mind. I watched my sister give birth and the pushing took about 20 minutes. I am about to meet my baby!

They turn down my epidural. I do a few practice pushes with Nancy and Dr. P comes in. He looks bothered while I push and I ask if I am doing it right. He assures me I am a good pusher but the baby isn't cooperating. He reaches in and tries to change the baby's position. It is really uncomfortable. It isn't for a few more pushes that I understand she is sunny side up and he cannot turn her.

My "easy" pushing is suddenly very difficult. Within 15 minutes of pushing she is crowning on each push. My epidural is off and I quickly feel everything. They bring in the big mirror so I can focus on pushing down and out. Watching myself push is fascinating and hideous but it helps me focus. I keep watching. I see the hair and with each push it gets sucked back up. I am so discouraged. It feels wrong. It hurts so badly. I don't feel any relief in pushing or any urge to keep going. Everything I've read about knowing how to do it is wrong. I feel like I am trying to blow up a balloon while pooping through my perineum.  I am trying my very best and nothing is happening. My logical brain no longer works and I believe that I will be stuck here forever, just pushing in writhing pain. My legs are shaky and my hips hurt from the frog position. The doctor begins to leave the room and I want to cry. I am not even close enough for him to stay and watch.

Dr. P comes and goes. The time passed so slowly. Before the hours were minutes. Now the minutes are hours. The pain is so strong but it isn't frightening. It's just so overwhelming.

He is finally back and explaining that he is going to let me keep pushing and try to deliver vaginally but that the OR is being prepped in case we need it. I ask him to help me. It's been an hour and a half without progress and I am giving my absolute everything on each push. "Can you suction her out?" He says they will try. Meanwhile, I keep pushing with all my might and watch her come down and get sucked back.  I want to give in to a c-section so badly but I know that it will take time to prep. I will have to get another epidural or, more likely, they'll knock me out. Then I will have to recover from surgery.  I can feel everything now. It will be faster if I just push her out. Please, God, let her come out.

I see Dr. P grab the suction cup in one hand and I silently pray/beg that it will help. He grabs some pinchers with his hand and pinches my labia. He asks if I can feel it and I can. I instantly know what is coming.

He picks up the world's biggest needle. It is about a foot long and old fashioned with two metal circles for a plunger. Someone needs to invent some obstetrical instruments that look like they are from this century. I see and feel the other nurse swab me with iodine. I feel the pricks numbing me.  The pain doesn't even register. Then I see the scissors in his hand. I look away from the mirror and hear the crunching snips. Snip, snip, snip. There's more than one. I don't even care anymore. I need some change. What we've been doing isn't working. A contraction comes as Dr. P reaches for the suction cup. I yell, "Ok," which I has been my command to the nurse and Billy to pull back my legs and begin counting every time I push. I bear down with all the might I have and close my eyes. On that push, I finally feel it. She is really crowning. Dr. P yells, "That's it. You can stop." and I look up to see my baby being lifted between my legs. One push was all it look and she was completely out. It is 17:53. I pushed for two hours.

I was so shaken and shocked. Ten seconds earlier I believed she would never come. I thought I was heading to surgery after a suction cup attempt. Instead, I see the suction cup covered in blood from his glove but not used. I see the tray of bloody needles and instruments. I don't even care. She is out now.

Billy is crying happy tears and my mind is reeling. I say something dumb like, "She's out," or "That's the baby."  I don't cry at all because I am just so shocked.

The next hour is a blur of stitches, both inside and out. Dr. P tells me my cervix is black and blue. He also tells me he really didn't think I had it in me to push out a sunny side up baby after 16 hours of a first labor. I can tell he's impressed. The nurses are too.

The baby is perfect. Absolutely perfect. Her heart rate never wavered. She was born screaming. She pooped under the warming lights and nursed as soon as I held her. She is the best baby on earth, truly.

Almost there

At 38 weeks pregnant, I don't feel like I am about to have a baby. I can't even grasp it. It's beyond my comprehension.

It's coming though. It may come sooner rather than later. My due date is August 13th and the doctors want to induce me around then. My gestational diabetes means I won't be able to carry the baby past 40 weeks.

So any time in the next two weeks, I could go into labor on my own or I could be induced when I hit my due date. There is a finish line in sight.

She is huge and fills my whole stomach now. She moves in rolls and waves and pressed hard against me. I have some cramping, some braxton hicks contractions and some pelvic pain. I know that these are signs that she is coming but I still don't feel like it will happen soon. I feel like I will make it to my due date and get induced. I really want to labor on my own but I am ready if that doesn't happen.

I am so in love with her I think. I don't know her or anything about her but I can tell I will be smitten.

Induction Looms

It is the weekend and I only have two weeks left at work. On Monday, I will be 35 weeks pregnant. Oh, how did this happen?  I was just marveling that I had fewer than 200 days left in pregnancy and, BAM!, I have 37 days until my due date. Thirty-seven days is just one very long month.

I may have less than that. The doctors tell me they will induce my labor at my due date. I am not a fan of this plan. My diabetes is completely diet controlled and my baby is growing perfectly. She isn't even a speck too big. Still, they say induction is necessary and that the risk of maternal death increases if I go past. I'd like to know a number honestly. How much does it increase. Are we talking from one in a million to two in a million?  Or is it exponential and real.

So many moms with gestational diabetes aren't following their diets. Their babies are growing really big. Aren't they the ones at higher risk?  Amanda thinks I should refuse the induction but the worried part of me won't refuse. I've already lost a pregnancy and I've watched my nephew die. I know that neither of those situations could have been changed by an induction but I am no longer so headstrong about my gut feeling.

If the worst thing that happens is I get an induction and my labor is worse than if allowed to go naturally, so be it. I don't want to increase any risks to the baby or me for that matter.

Baby, here you are a week ago. I can't believe how pregnant I am.

What I want to tell my daughter

Oh, sweet baby girl who is rolling and kicking me today, what do I need to tell you that is so important?  What cannot wait?

You are 33 weeks along right now. That means you'll be full term in a month and born in about 7 weeks. You are bigger than you've ever been and your arms reach down to my bladder while your feet kick me up in my ribs. You wake up when I drink ice water and sometimes when Dad plays loud music. You are the light of my life already. I sing to you: You are my Sunshine, pop songs, whatever is in my head. I want you to know my voice and know I am signing just for you. You are about to become my most beloved. I cannot wait to look down and see if you have hair or a bald head. Will your eyes be blue like mine or will they be the golden, green and brown of your Daddy's?  I cannot wait to see your fingers and toes and look at your tiny ears.

You are stronger now than you have ever been. Your legs can kick with a force that bounces my arms if they are resting on my belly. You can head-butt me in the bladder and make me have to pee. You can shimmy your little butt and my whole middle moves in waves. I love looking at you move. I feel terrible saying this but when I was first pregnant, I was worried that I wouldn't want to feel you move. I imagined that it would scare me and feel like an alien invasion.  I was so wrong. Your movements are my favorite part of pregnancy. I call Dad over every day to feel you because I want to share the magic of it with him.

You are loved more than you can know. I hope that you will feel my love for you the way that I feel your Grandma's love for me. I hope you are always cloaked in the confidence that comes with knowing you are protected. I hope that when the world reveals its imperfections and makes you scared and frustrated you can come back to me and find balance. My love will be there always, even when you are grown up, even when I am not there to hug you.

You are the greatest gift I could ever give to your Daddy. He has wanted to be a Dad for even longer than I have wanted to be a Mom. He never had a Dad at home and he is going to do everything he can to be the best Dad in the world. He will work so hard to give you the things you need and he will work even harder to show you his love. Just by coming into this world, you are making it a better and happier place for him.

Today, you are the perfect dream of a baby in my belly. You are the promise of everything good and sweet in this world. You don't have to live up to any expectations because you already surpass everything I could ever want.

I love you.

Twenty-five Weeks

In the last couple of weeks, my belly has expanded quite a bit. No hiding anything anymore.  

The baby is also growing and filling out the belly pretty well.  Kicks are coming further up and I can feel her up to my ribs and down to my crotch. Stretch, baby, stretch!  We played a game of poking each other back and forth a few times this week. Every night as I lay down, she is waking up and so active. It's my favorite moment of the day to prop myself up in bed and just feel her swim. 

Billy has been feeling her too.  He always pulls his hand away in surprise when she kicks him. Once is enough for Dad while I'd happily lay back and feel her all night. 

Sleep gets harder and harder. I wake up to turn many times a night and my hips feel like an old house that creaks in the rain. I've been going to bed earlier and earlier. I usually wake up for about an hour around 3 a.m. and them crash back out until 6 or 7.  

Right now we are tossing around names. Will she be Iris, Georgia, or Margot?  Will she be someone else entirely?  I guess she could be a boy. That mistake happens from time to time. 

It feels so much more real than ever before. Mom is planning my shower for June 23. I am saving money. Billy is working hard. August will be here so soon. 

Dear Advice Columnist

preface: I recognize the first world nature of this problem and I am truly thankful that I have a job.

The short of it:

I have very little work to do. I need to look busy for the next three months before I quit my job. How do I do this in a cubicle with not much privacy? Any suggestions for keeping sane?

The long of it:

My boss isn't very good at using me as an assistant and I am not sure what to do. She is somewhat sour. She gives me only menial tasks which I happily do. When I offer my help, she looks annoyed. Hell, when I peek into her office to say hello, she looks annoyed. She has a bit of a martyr complex and works long hours and does everything herself. I have always approached her in a friendly way saying, "If you need any help with anything, I'm up to date," with a smile. She sort of stares/glares at me which makes me uncomfortable and even more smiley. It's very disconcerting. After her annoyance became very obvious, I stopped coming to her looking for more work because I could tell it bothers her and I worry it might hurt me to bring attention to it. She once asked me if I'd mind helping out in another department and I told her I would be happy to help anyone. So far, nada.

I have happily done everything I am ever assigned. I have a few regular responsibilities that I complete religiously. I keep the office perfectly stocked with copies of everything at the ready. I have taken it upon myself to clear out lots of backed up files. I can take an afternoon to organize a binder until it's pristine. HR has never had such perfect records. Her non feedback makes me second guess myself all the time.

I am not eligible for any maternity leave and I think she may correctly suspect I am not coming back. I know that the last two people in my position didn't do very well. Both were fired for insubordination. Cue scary music. In the beginning, I though that maybe she had bad assistants before but once she realized I was smart and really worked, she would use me more. That has not happened. I need to ride this out until July. I keep telling myself, "Seven more pay checks," as a mantra. It isn't the worst job ever but it is really boring for me.

I have a cube with a screen that faces the hallway and she can see my back. Our internet usage is probably monitored and many sites are blocked. I can't read books or play on my phone.

Right now I keep a few files open. I read old resumes. I read HR articles. I create insane amounts of supporting documents. I pee hourly. I write grocery lists, baby name lists, nursery ideas, poems, anything. I do any and all work that comes in. I try to do it methodically and not too fast. Until this job, I've been so used to being overworked and being recognized as a really hard worker. This strange invisibility sucks. Maybe I am expecting too much. I really like to be busy and it bums me out that I am not. I am over the recognition part. So what the hell do I do? Any suggestions?

23 Weeks

How far along are you? 23 weeks

How big is baby? a papaya (which I though wasn't that big until I walked past one in the grocery store yesterday and was shocked at how large it really was)
Weight gain/loss? This past week, I was up two pounds for the month. I think I am still down a pound from the beginning. I was at my very heaviest, so it's okay.

Stretch marks? same
Maternity clothes? Yes. I need to get more. I wore a regular shirt on Friday (one of my very largest) and I wore a super long tank under it but it looked wrong. It kept working its way up my belly.
Best moment this week? Billy telling me that he's really excited we're having a girl. I know that the sex doesn't matter to him but our culture is so preconditioned to want boys that it means a lot to me that he really is getting excited about her.
Gender? It's going to remain a girl until she comes out. No more ultrasounds even if they were wrong. I don't think they were though. A tech and a doctor said girl. The doctor pointed out labia, so I am thinking it wasn't a case of a tucked penis.
Movement? Every day now but not all the time. It comes and goes.
Belly button? same. It used to mark a waist but not anymore!
Symptoms? I've been quite tired. Also weepy. I cried so hard yesterday when I heard a version of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. I also cried reading a captioned picture on facebook.
Cravings? Sour cream (not alone, I just love it on and in anything) and cheese. Fruit.
What do I miss? A stiff drink
What I'm looking forward to this week? Book club next weekend will be fun. I also plan to do some maternity shopping.
Milestones? Nothing official. I have my diabetes test scheduled for next month. I am only two weeks away from viability which blows my mind.

First Outside Kicks!

Last night Billy felt her kicking! I put his hand on the left side of my belly while she was moving around and he barely felt something. He said he wasn't sure if that was it but he got wide eyed the very second she started a series of bam, bam, bam, jabs right below his hand. He felt her!

21 Weeks

How far along are you? 21 weeks

How big is baby? a canteloupe
Weight gain/loss? Gaining for sure but I haven't been weighed in three weeks.

Stretch marks? same
Maternity clothes? Yes.
Best moment this week? Buying my very first baby clothes
Gender? Holy Shit. It's a girl!
Movement? Every day now
Belly button? same.
Symptoms? sleepiness, mood swings and weepiness, angry driving and hunger. My breasts have hot pains every once in a while and a feel and aching pressure in my pubic bone when I stand up.
Cravings? Fruit, dairy, pickles and olives. I can demolish a fruit popsicle or an olive like no one's business.
What do I miss? booze. I have been craving a cold glass of chardonnay or a beer or a gin and tonic all the time.
What I'm looking forward to this week? A day off with my baby daddy on Friday and a three day weekend. I hope to go baby furniture shopping!
Milestones? Just relishing the knowledge I'll have a daughter. I have so many hopes for her and wishes but mostly I want to see her form into the person she wants to be. That will be amazing.

Only a couple more days before baby has a sex

My big ultrasound is coming up on Tuesday morning. Although I have suspected a boy all along, now that we are about to find out, I am suddenly unsure. No matter which way my brain goes, I am confused and excited. Knowing one way or another will change everything just a little bit.

The name talks will change and the shopping, of course. I am mostly nervous to know if we will be the parents of a son or the parents of a daughter. Families of boys are different from families of girls.

Three years form now, will my house be filled with with pink wands and glitter or cars and dinosaurs? Will I be worried about princess culture or weapon toys? Will I worry that my baby girl will be undermined in her studies or passed over in class as she enters womanhood? Will I worry about my son learning to respect everyone and act without aggression?

The sex talks, the respect talks, the self-esteem talks, the bully talks...all the big talks will be colored by the sex and the gender my child displays.

What if my child is gay? What if my child is republican? What if my child has a cleft lip? Down syndrome? A limp? A lisp? A learning disability? A savant-like gift? A promising talent that we will have to choose to foster to the fullest or choose to not and encourage a regular childhood? What is my child is obese and teased? What if my child is frail and sickly?

I play terrible games of this or that. Would I rather have a baby who is __ or __?

Feeling the clock tick toward more information, I know I would not choose. I don't want to design my child or know the future. If someone had told me last spring, "You will get pregnant soon but miscarry right away and it will be awful. Then just a couple weeks later one of your sister's twins will die and that will be ten times worse than the miscarriage," I would have spent the spring in the fetal position sobbing. Instead, I spent the summer sobbing but I lived through it and I got stronger. I grieved my baby and I grieved baby Enzo and I admired my sister's strength and grew stronger myself.

If someone had told me this fall, "As soon as you take that new job that pays less, you will get pregnant that same month and not be eligible for any maternity leave. Oh, and Billy's promotion will come through as an assistant manager, not a manager so you won't have as much money as you think," I would have stayed at the better paying job that made me miserable. I wouldn't be working close to home and having all this free time and feeling so much more balanced. I'd still be commuting an hour each way and getting home in the dark.

So the ultrasound will sharpen the focus on the future. The picture will still be fuzzy and the future will be hidden but knowing if it's a son or a daughter who rolls and bumps inside me will give me another hint of our life to come.

How far along are you? 19 weeks
How big is baby? a mango or papaya. I forgot.
Weight gain/loss? Not sure.
Stretch marks? I found some on the sides of my back. My waist is quickly disappearing.
Maternity clothes? Almost 100%
Best moment this week? Feeling this baby really move and swim around.
Gender? Only three more days until we know.
Movement? Every day now. Little bumps and flippy swirls that feel like gas only in the wrong spot or like water sloshing or like a muffled pop.
Belly button? same
Symptoms? burping, heartburn, moodiness, nipples are constantly hard and dark brown.
Cravings? Cold things - slushies and ice cream.
What do I miss? Looking one way or another. I am just about to cross the threshold into obviously pregnant territory but right now I just feel as if I look fat.
What I'm looking forward to this week? Babies big closeup on Tuesday.
Milestones? I learned that Taco Bell is a terrible idea, that water can bring on heartburn and that I need to sleep on my side now.

Eighteen Weeks

How far along are you? 18 weeks
How big is baby? a sweet potato
Weight gain/loss? All this time I was sure I was gaining weight. Belly is bigger, pants are tight. Well, I am still down six pounds from the beginning of the pregnancy. So, I've gained 1 pound in the past month. Not too bad.
Stretch marks? a few
Maternity clothes? Yes. No more regular pants unless I have them banded and unbuttoned. My waist is no more.
Best moment this week? My appointment yesterday was great. Heartbeat is at a perfect 154 and everything is measuring correctly.
Gender? We will get to find out in two weeks. EEEK
Movement? Tiny little burbles and bubbles that I think must be the baby.
Belly button? same
Symptoms? hip pain, heartburn, still very tired, moody.
Cravings? Not really. I'll dream of food but I'll eat everything.
What do I miss? an hourglass shape. I feel lumpy but not so lumpy that I am cutely pregnant.
What I'm looking forward to this week? The weekend is coming and it will be over 60 degrees
Milestones? I started prenatal yoga last night. I came home the good kind of sore and went straight to bed at 8:30.

Seventeen Weeks

How far along are you? 17 weeks
How big is baby? an onion. One book tells me the baby is about the size of my hand if it's spread open. That seems so big.
Weight gain/loss? Gaining.
Stretch marks? a few
Maternity clothes? about half the time. I have a belly band. I wore a stretchy dress today. No more regular pants for a while.
Best moment this week? Billy is on vacation and has kept the house nice and made dinner. He has also started talking names with me.
Gender? Today I would swear it's a boy.
Movement? Sometimes I think maybe. I bet it will happen soon.
Belly button? nothing different.
Symptoms? sore hips and difficulty sleeping on my side.
Cravings? No. I just get really hungry really quickly sometimes.
What do I miss? Champagne, sleeping comfortably.
What I'm looking forward to this week? Dressing up for the work gala on Saturday. Now I need to find a dress that says "cutely pregnant" not "just fat."
Milestones? My boss knows and I imagine my co-workers will figure it out soon. My belly has poofed out and is quite thick. I still have a line across my waist, so I look like I have a pooch and top gut instead of a smooth bump. I hate that.

Mothers, grrr

As much as I love my mother, and I do, she can drive me crazy with one word and one look. Today is a perfect example. Mom and I are both pretty curvy. Neither of us eats or exercises perfectly. Somehow, mom has decided that she should still lecture me on health constantly. I mentioned that I had some kettle corn watching a movie and she interrupted me to say, "You just can't do that!"

We went out to breakfast today and I ordered biscuits and gravy. It sounded so good and it was. It was also really big. I said, "Wow, next time I'll go for the half order."

"I was thinking of suggesting that but :sigh: you'd probably just get mad at me."

I looked at her and said, "You're right. I would." Then I smiled and ate a bunch of delicious biscuits and gravy."

Week Fifteen

This morning was a monumental day in personal finance. For the first time since I was very young child, I have no personal bank account. For an fiercely guarded person, this is anxiety inducing. All through my relationship and into marriage, I have kept a personal account to hold my money. It's always been just my fun money and the extra bit I save to use on gifts and treats for myself. The bulk of everything has gone into the joint accounts that buy our groceries and gas. Now, I have nothing except my hollow book. I have dropped my last safety net of financial security but it was needed. I won't have an income in six months and I am putting everything toward savings now. The account accrued a service fee for the first time last month (grr) because I didn't use it enough. I was going to get another fee next week. So I closed it. I used to keep about a thousand dollars in it. I used to feel uneasy if our savings dipped below $8,000. Today, I moved my last $139 into our savings account of $2,000. What a difference a house and baby make!\

How far along are you? 15 weeks
How big is baby? an orange
Weight gain/loss? probably gaining. Belly is bigger!
Stretch marks? they look SO red fresh out of the shower.
Maternity clothes? Not to work yet
Best moment this week? My boss is back and likes me so I can tell her next week.
Gender? Last night I dreamed it was a girl. I was surprised when I woke up but not in the dream
Movement? I pause and pay attention to every sensation. I am convinced it will happen soon.
Belly button? regular but itchy.
Symptoms? Heartburn like crazy, itching like crazy, my nipples are so dark and my hands are scaly and dry.
Cravings? nothing much. I forget to eat at work until I am starving.
What do I miss? looking nice. My hair is yucky and the old dye is growing out a bit differently than the hennaed top. I feel dowdy.
What I'm looking forward to this week? Planning on telling work for real.
Milestones? Today I wore maternity clothes! I have a maternity sweater and jeans on. Both from Goodwill. How great is that?

Week Fourteen

I just made it! I think I am 15 weeks tomorrow.

How far along are you? 14 weeks
How big is baby? a lemon
Weight gain/loss? probably gaining
Stretch marks? same.
Maternity clothes? I bought another pair of maternity jeans from Goodwill and I washed everything.
Best moment this week? Dinner last night with Mom.
Gender? I am back on boy
Movement? no
Belly button? regular
Symptoms? So itchy! My nipples are very dark and my heartburn is ferocious.
Cravings? nothing in particular but I am hungry
What do I miss? nice skin. I am dry and scaly.
What I'm looking forward to this week? Maybe telling work
Milestones? Only a month until we can find out the sex and get another ultrasound!

Money Worries

When I took the new job, I wasn't too concerned about the pay cut. We would be fine on the two modest salaries and Billy would soon get promoted to manager. My pessimism about getting pregnant slated me for a 2014 baby at the earliest. We would be fine!

So now that I am so very happily pregnant, we have experienced a few big financial changes. First and worst, our mortgage went up $400 per month. Our escrow was messed up and in the red. The lender is an idiot and didn't realize that the estimated taxes and actual taxes didn't match up for two years. That $400 is a big chunk of our money.

Second, Billy got promoted but to assistant manager. It's still a raise. That's great and I am so proud of him. We were led to believe he's go straight to manager but that's life. Unfortunately, the pay isn't as high. It's a great help but I don't think we can live off just his wages with our million dollar mortgage.

That leaves me. I will get no maternity leave. I am not ever eligible for FMLA to hold my job. I honestly don't know what they will offer me. If I go back to this job, I will be paying well over half my earnings in child care. It upsets me so much. I wanted to, no, want to stay at home. I am just not sure if that's feasible. Going back seems no smarter financially.

I need to figure out a part time job, a better paying job a gig or something that will help the family and not require full-time child care. Until then, we save. No babymoon. No push presents. I wasn't expecting those anyway.

Sunday Night at home - Enchilada Pie

My sickness has broken. It is now just fountains of boogers running down my throat and face followed by wet sneezes. Lovely.

We spent today going to Naperville to look at a fancy baby furniture store. It was way outside our budget and I only liked a couple cribs. One was $1,300! I think we will stick to the $300 crib (no longer feeling guilty about that price) and look for two nice antique/vintage dressers. Our local consignment furniture store usually has nice pieces at Ikea prices. Only they're often well made with hard woods and good carpentry.

We came home underwhelmed by the thought of a 3K nursery. I announced the pregnancy on facebook today and I got the appropriate excited responses. I am also cooking dinner. Go me!

This one looks pretty good for a pantry meal

Enchilada Pie:

4 flour tortillas the size of a pie pan (9 inches I think)

1 can black beans

1 can enchilada sauce

1/2 cup frozen corn

1 cup diced tomato. I had about 10 big cherry tomatoes.

1 few diced shrimp, cause I had them

1 cup shredded cheese

1/4 cup sour cream

garlic powder - that's right. Too lazy to microplane a clove of garlic.

Chop up the tomatoes and shrimp. Toss with the corn and rinsed beans. Season with salt and garlic powder but not too much.

Rub a little olive oil on the bottom of the pan. Beginning with a tortilla on the bottom, layer 1/3 of the veggies and sour cream on top and about 1/4 of the sauce and cheese. Repeat with two more tortillas. Place last tortilla on top of veggies and pour over the remaining sauce and sprinkle with the remaining cheese. Bake at 350 degrees for 35 minutes. Let cool ten minutes before serving.

Sick at Week Thirteen

I spent the majority of this week in bed. My cold quickly became a full-blown illness with a super congested nose, green snot and a sore throat. I was so upset to have those few days of feeling good only to have them whisked away. Now, I think I am on the mend but I am still tired and sore. Now my nose is red and raw and I am scared about how this affects the baby.

I also have a painful little spot in my arm pit that I think it a lymph node. I thought I had a pimple or ingrown hair, so I tried to squeeze it. I quickly realized that isn't the case. So now my crazy brain is on cancer watch. I am not touching it and hoping it's related to the sickness.

In other news, I have been really lucky this pregnancy to only vomit a few times. Well, tonight was one of them. I had a strong craving for a baked potato and pickles. So, that's what I made. A few bites into my delicious food, I had the sudden realization that it was going to come up, pronto. I have never had such a random onset of the puking.

Now, Billy is making me an oven corn dog. Yes, I am aware of the irony of wanting a corn dog after vomiting. Pregnancy is so weird.

How far along are you? 13 weeks
How big is baby? a peach
Weight gain/loss? waistbands are tight
Stretch marks? same. Today I took a bath and looked down. I thought I had a linea negra. I literally gasped. I was so surprised to see that line. Then I looked at it and realized it was crooked...and it matched up with the seam of my pajama pants. D'oh!
Maternity clothes? I bought a few things this week. It was a total mix from Marshall's and Goodwill.Yes, Goodwill. I don't want to go broke on maternity clothes.
Best moment this week? Finding a maternity tankini top with the tags on for $2!
Gender? No clue
Movement? round ligament pain. Damn, that stuff hurts.
Belly button? regular
Symptoms? Other than my sickness, just tiredness, breast itching and darkening, my bloat is slowly firming up.
Cravings? apples, pineapple, chicken soup
What do I miss? feeling good
What I'm looking forward to this week? I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday, Valentines Day! I think we will announce this pregnancy on Facebook too.
Milestones? Totally random vomiting and pickle cravings on the same day! Now, that's pregnancy. Also, I am entering my second trimester this week.