Eleven Weeks

How far along are you? 11 weeks
How big is baby? a lime. Doesn't that sound big?
Weight gain/loss? No clue until the doctor weighs me
Stretch marks? same
Maternity clothes? I bought pants and a dress a Target. I'll need them soon enough.
Best moment this week? I am going to look at baby furniture today.
Gender? my feeling has been boy but I don't care either way.
Movement? no but I've had some odd cramps on my sides.
Belly button? The same.
Symptoms? Breast pain, itchiness, swelling and anything else that can happen to a breast. General ickiness and still very tired.
Cravings? Fruit and carbs, Coca-cola and Dr. Pepper
What do I miss? feeling pretty
What I'm looking forward to this week? Feeling a bit better every day. Oh, and I'll tell my book club on the weekend.
Milestones? Today I have 200 days left in this pregnancy. That seems doable.

I'm ALIVE!

Today, for the first time in over a month, I cooked food. I actually chopped and onion and made some black beans and rice for dinner. Yes, it was simple and yes, it was on the bland side, but it was still really tasty. I don't care. It's a victory. Real food. Real cooking. I am coming back to life. Thank you end of the first trimester.

Billy is also thrilled. I did the dishes. He's had to do them for weeks. I would wretch at the smell. I couldn't even open our garbage can without holding my breath. Did you know holding you breath can make you gag? Yeah. That sucked.

Ten Weeks/31 years

I turned 31 yesterday. I didn't eat cake or celebrate. Billy worked a late shift so we had the whole morning. He made me breakfast and shoveled the driveway and sidewalk. I wasn't allowed to help. I went to my Mom's for the afternoon. I rocked my nephew and cooed at him. I watched him get so excited he laughed little belly laughs. My sister gave ma a beautiful baby wrap. I napped. I ate some real food and I went home. Billy brought me sparkling grape juice and we watched an episode of Bones and fell asleep on the couch. It was a great birthday despite making a terrible story.

I felt strong and happy all day. I was surrounded by love and fun. The dogs and cats all visited me and slept on my lap. I felt lucky all day long.

How far along are you? 10 weeks
How big is baby? A prune. Gross.
Weight gain/loss? About the same as last week
Stretch marks? Same ole, same ole
Maternity clothes? Not yet but I think I should buy some soon
Best moment this week? having my birthday and closing the book on the past year
Gender? I go back and forth. For the first time, I think it might be a girl. Also the heartbeat was a girl heart beat. I got my old wives tales wrong.
Movement? not for another couple months. I can feel something internal if I bend over. It's a new presence.
Belly button? The same.
Symptoms? Feeling so much better this past week. I can stay up past 8pm and I often enjoy food.
Cravings? sour and vinegar things like pickles, lemons and vinaigrettes.
What do I miss? warm weather
What I'm looking forward to this week? just moving forward
Milestones? 25% there!

Nine Weeks

How far along are you? 9.5 weeks
How big is baby? The size of a green olive...yummy salty green olive.
Weight gain/loss? I lost 5 pounds in the past 4 weeks
Stretch marks? Same ole, same ole
Maternity clothes? No but I ripped a hope in the back of one of my few pairs of pants today
Best moment this week? An hour ago hearing the baby's heartbeat on the doppler
Gender? I still think boy. It has a boy heart rate (170)
Movement? no.
Belly button? The same.
Symptoms? Sour stomach and the breast pain is back. Feeling stronger but still very sleepy. Food aversions are more patchy now. Pimples are new and breast itching too.
Cravings? Mostly bland stuff, fruit and yogurt with occasional forays into real food.
What do I miss? energy
What I'm looking forward to this week? sleep
Milestones? first doppler heart beat!

Thinking about names

So, if the baby is healthy and good, which it seems to be so far, we are going to have to choose a name for it. That's a daunting task. I love names and I've planned baby names all my life. In junior high I wanted two girls named Tessa and Alyssa. I thought that pair was the height of chic. I named all my pets carefully and with human names.

So the fact that this is the big leagues, a real baby name, has me scared. I don't want to do it wrong. My friends named their son something "interesting and different" five years ago. Aiden. That's right. Just like every other little boy you meet. You can't walk through a classroom without tripping on three.

Then there is the friend of a friend who named her son Finnegan, no nickname. I think it's selfishly pretentious to name your kid something terrible just to announce to the world that your smartypants self reads James Joyce. I am sure she doesn't think it's terrible. She picked it after all. I just can't imagine how that was the best name of all the names in the world.

Then we have friends who asked us if they could claim the name Jayden in case they ever had a boy. We quickly agreed. They can happily have Jayden, a name that makes me think of high school students, not the college educated professionals they are. It makes Finnegan sound more and more appealing.

It's so easy to judge. This one too hot. This one too cold. But which one is just right?

So today I asked Dad about his grandparents' names. I am interested in family names and I don't know past my own grandparents.

So, my great-grandparents are: Mary and Walter Alva, Myrtle Millie and Charles. Dad doesn't know what Mary's middle name was or if she had one. He told me Charles' middle name and my pregnancy brain has forgotten. Not a bad list. Still, I don't think Myrtle is making a comeback this generation.

Eight Weeks

How far along are you? 8 weeks
How big is baby? The size of a raspberry or pinto bean. Different books offer different foods.
Weight gain/loss? Not weighing myself but I feel the same only bloated.
Stretch marks? The new stretch marks did not disappear unfortunately.
Maternity clothes? Not yet but I think I will need some pants options soon
Best moment this week? Feeling some energy mid-week
Gender? I still think boy. I had a boy dream.
Movement? no.
Belly button? The same.
Symptoms? Pulling/aching/cramp that makes a backward bend painful, intermittent exhaustion, 1 bout of vomiting, food aversions, huge boobs, aversions to vegetables and meat.
Cravings? Bland food in small quantities
What do I miss? Feeling like myself
What I'm looking forward to this week? Entering the last month of the first trimester.
Milestones? first morning sickness

Week 7

I have seen this on pregnancy blogs and I think it's a good memento. Since this is basically just my diary, I want to remember these things.

How far along are you? 7 weeks
How big is baby? The size of a blueberry (last week it was just a lentil).
Weight gain/loss? None so far but my first appointment weigh-in was awful. I have gained weight over the last year. At least ten pounds.
Stretch marks? YES! I have bright red squiggles on my abdomen. It's gross and weird considering I am not really bigger yet. I got them the week I found out.
Maternity clothes? No. I did buy two new shelf bras though. My breasts are huge.
Best moment this week? Telling our families at Christmas
Gender? Way too early. I think boy.
Movement? Way too early.
Belly button? The same.
Symptoms? Breast sensitivity, light nausea but constantly churning stomach. Food aversions and feeling constantly hungry but repulsed by food. Extreme fatigue.
Cravings? Tart and sour (lemonade), fruit, bland starchy foods
What do I miss? Feeling energetic.
What I'm looking forward to this week? Extra sleep.
Milestones? I heard a heartbeat!

After Christmas

It's Boxing Day today and I think it might be Kobi the dog's eighth birthday. I am home alone at the start of my week off. Billy's at work and the animals have been surrounding me all day. If I didn't know I was pregnant, I'd fear we had a carbon monoxide leak. I am so very tired all the time.

Every night I sleep a good 9-10 hours. Every afternoon I fall asleep. I am so happy to have this break. What will happen when I go back to work? Not only to I need to be awake, I need to be focused on details. I guess that's a part of HR or something.

I napped with both dogs and two cats for an hour and a half today, crashing out around noon and waking up with an open drool mouth. Only Violet snubbed the big bed. Orlando even slept on my belly.

My appetite is really odd. I will mostly forget to eat. I will be moderately hungry almost always but everything sounds bad. I've only vomited twice after eating very heavy meals that I should have known were a bad idea. Mostly, I have a sour stomach that feels like a low grade hangover. I am convinced that a finicky toddler and stole replaced my taste buds with her own.

My brain is on a loop of, "Oh, I'm hungry I should eat...why does my stomach feel so gross...an apple sounds good...Nevermind, keep that apple away it sounds terrible...why am I still hungry...Oh, I never ate that apple...I should have some soup...Soup is the most horrible thing on the planet; I can smell its vileness from inside the can...I feel hungry...Why does my stomach hurt?"

For a girl who likes to discuss her next meal during most meals, this is so weird.

So the good news is, we've told our families. Everyone got excited. Mom cried. Grandma cried. It was a wonderful Christmas surprise to share.

My Day Ahead

Today is doctor day. I didn't make it this far last time, so I am excited to go the the office like regular people do. Billy is coming with me.

We are in the middle of an escrow freak out. The bank has told us that we will owe an additional $400 per month due to their screw up. This has actually helped me focus on something other than the pregnancy. Now, if the bank woman would just call me back, I'd feel better. An answer, even a bad one, is more comforting than waiting. I am really hoping for a good answer.

Yesterday was Sunday. I slept a solid nine hours Saturday night. I lounged around the house Sunday morning, napped for over an hour and went to bed at 8:30 pm last night. I was so tired. I just hope that I banked up the extra rest so I have energy to function today.

Just one week of work and then a week off for Christmas!

General Freaking Out

I really wish my mom would keep her mouth shut sometimes. I love her. I do. She just says terribly inappropriate things some times. A month after my last pregnancy she told me, "I knew something was wrong when you weren't getting morning sickness."

She is not a doctor and I am only six weeks along. Many sources tell me that morning sickness will kick in over the next couple weeks. Logic doesn't matter. I am so scared that something is wrong. Where other women would be thrilled to not be queasy, I am scared.

I wake up every morning and think, "Oh no, my boobs don't hurt as much as they did yesterday," or "My abdomen doesn't feel tight and pully. That's it. It's over." I have another week exactly until my first appointment and I am getting more scared. It was a week before my appointment that I started bleeding last time. I can vividly remember the bathroom at work and the swipe of pink.

I was so scared but I told myself a little pink was nothing. I would talk to the doctor at my appointment. Within an hour, that pink was red and steady. That's when I called the doctor, called the insurance company, told my boss (who must have seen the terror in my face and the red eyes because he didn't question me leaving for a second) and went to the ER.

It's amazing how a whole life plan can collapse in an hour. It's amazing that one comment from my mother can haunt me as I lay in bed and wait for nausea. I am trying so hard to make my mantra about today only. Today I am pregnant. Today I am hopeful.

Today I am making food for Grandma. She has another stomach surgery. My mother in law is here. My brother and sister in law will be taking baby Genevieve to the grandparents' house this afternoon. I am making crock pot chicken barbecue sandwiches and Asia slaw to take over. I'm such a grown up. Okay, if my sister in law hadn't brought over food last time, I'd have never thought of it. She's a much more considerate person than I am in that way.

So far, so good on the pregnancy. I am queasy sometimes, which makes me happy. I am thirsty, a little ditzy, tired, crampy in different from menstrual way and my boobs are always a little sore. I want so badly to be 100% invested in this pregnancy and then, at the same time, I want to hold back. It's only been a week of knowing but I feel more connected to the pregnancy now, as if it's been too long and I couldn't possible lose it. That's not at all true. Last time I was another week along when I started bleeding. Anything is possible. I am not guaranteed a healthy bouncing baby at the end. I am not guaranteed anything. That doesn't mean I'm not hopeful.

First Appointment is made

I have an appointment for December 19th but I know there won't be an ultrasound (I asked). I was hoping for a heartbeat for Christmas. I think if we had one, I'd be forced to tell on Christmas. We haven't told anyone yet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's only been a few days. Well, I usually tell people about their gift the day I buy it. I cannot help it. I get so excited.

I am trying to remain calm and trying to remain cautiously optimistic. So far, I have surprised myself my opening my heart again. That worries me a bit but I am so glad to be hopeful. Please universe, make this baby stay. I have no idea when we'll share the news.

Pregnant Again

Peed on a stick this morning and there were two lines. This is already different from last time. Last time, I had gentle cramps and once got sick. This time, I've puked my guts out already. Not even one day of happily pregnant. I am in full-force vomit mode.

Thrilled. (except the puking).

Planning a next step

It's Sunday night and I am stuffed full of pizza. We had friends over to watch the Bears lose. The game was disappointing.

Now that I've been at the new job for three weeks, I am feeling more settled. I like the people pretty well. I can see that I may get bored sometimes but I am usually busy enough. I can also feel that my internal dialogue will be getting back to normal soon. I am once again sad and weepy about not 18 months of trying and no baby. I shouldn't compare myself to others but I do. I really shouldn't read internet message boards about parenting. "95% of healthy couples will get pregnant in a year." Well, that means we've won the shit lottery or we're unhealthy. I hate either option.

I think that once the holidays are over, it's time to go to a reproductive doctor. I have the referral from April somewhere. I could call and get another if need be. I expect my period in about a week. After that, I need to discuss with Billy and give the Month of December our very best shot with timing and such. For my 31st birthday in January, I want to be pregnant or have a plan about how to get there. The normal people way of just having sex and waiting hasn't worked for us.

Thankful

It's turkey Thursday and we have come back from Mom's place in the woods. Dad joined us for dinner and Pat. Amanda, Carmelo and the kids came. It was really nice. Billy even had a good time.

Amanda brought with her four tiny grey kittens from her in-laws' place. The neighbor cat had a litter of eight kitties! Mom was planning to take two and Ingrid got two. Well, Dad ended up taking home Mom's kittens. It's for the best really. He's been lonely since Bosco and Liver died. He needs some house cats.

I have come full circle and I am so thankful for the shitty year. It's over and I can tuck it in and put it to bed. No more 2011 ever. I'll never take for granted the things I have enjoyed. I have a loving family. I want it to grow but I cannot control how it grows and when and where. I can only try and keep smiling. People kill for what I have. Billy worships the ground I walk on and he brings me coffee in bed and never mentions my chub. He works hard for us and wants to be with me. I have a home that is made of lovely reddish bricks and it keeps me and my animals warm and safe. I have never gone hungry and I have medical coverage. I am as privileged as any human could ever dare to dream.

I am called aunt, sister, wife, daughter, friend. Thank you universe. I accept what is coming anyway. I will try to be like water and flow. I will try to be like metal and toughen with blows. I will try to be like a feather and fly where the winds will take me. I will try to be loyal and give. I will try to be deserving of the blessings I have received. Thank you.

Big Sweeping Changes Again

It's November now and the wind is loud. The weather is really mild and nearly 70 degrees in the sunshine. The tree out front has only a few yellow leaves on the bottom branches. When I found out I was pregnant this summer, I anticipated a baby bump for fall. I had a shopping cart full of maternity clothes with cute shawl collars and cardigans.

It sounds so melodramatic typed out like this but in real life I am not melodramatic. Days go by without thoughts of the miscarriage. So last week on a lark I went to the pregnancy message board I had joined for February 2012 babies. I was shocked to find women in their third trimester! Some women had already given birth. Granted they were super preemies but it blew me away. I hadn't done the math. In my mind, I had been not pregnant for a "little while." It was months.

As the non-pregnancy time passed, it became more an more apparent that I needed to make a change. I had decided to stay at the wine store until I had a baby. I made the decision over a year ago and here I am, no baby coming and who knows how long it could be. I wasn't happy in that job for a while. The commute killed me and I began to dread the holiday season.

Through some sort of crazy luck, I got three job interviews within two weeks. I got offered a job working in the wine department of a new grocery store (I passed) and I got offered the job of working the front desk at a rehab center for handicapped children and adults. I took it.

So tomorrow, I will begin my new job. It's five miles away and pays not much. I will see kids every day. I am excited.

2011 will be remembered as a difficult year. I want to close the chapter and start something fresh.

Job Interview

So, I got a call about a job interview this morning. The pay is crap but the job sounds good. It's close to home. Hot dog, I'm gonna check it out.

Bill will have his big raise this winter. At that point I can do pretty much whatever as long as I bring in $20K or more to cover little extras. I am worried because I know this job pays $12 per hour. I am salaried now at 47K. That's a huge pay cut. Am I an idiot to consider it? Maybe. but I am still going to the interview.

I made a decision to live for me, for my life and for the reality that is right now. A new job would be great for me. I am so tired of my grind right now. I want out of the weird unhealthy tensions that exist at my workplace. The big boss has decided to have an affair out in the open. It's quote uncomfortable to work with his wife now. I am just sick of the drive and the hours. I need out.

I am going to apply to lots of other jobs this weekend. It's liberating. Sprinkling resumes everywhere. No more, "What if I get pregnant?!" Maybe I will and maybe I won't. I put the breaks on my life for a year and a half and all I got was one lousy miscarriage. I need to live again and hope for good news down the line.

Wish me luck Monday morning!

Crying in the Shower

Crying in the shower can be terrible or it can be liberating. I am trying to focus on liberation and slough off some layers I don't need. I have layers of regret and layers of jealously (huge, puffy swaths of jealously that have wrapped and wrapped around my body). I have layers of nostalgia that haunt me and won't let anything else measure up. I have layers of preoccupation that blind me from the good of the present.

I can only live now. I can only live as I do. I can change my life with choices and action but I cannot change it with obsession or regret.

I may always be a chubby and infertile woman who wants so badly to be a pretty mom. I may always be middle class and vacation by car. I may always shop at the discount store. I may cry in the shower on the first day of my period every time until menopause. I can handle that. I need to quit imagining another woman's future and imagine and seek my own.

Air Conditioning Broken

Luckily it's just the upstairs window unit. Unfortunately, it's the only thing cooling the bedroom. After a few days (three?) of no AC at night, I have learned that I sleep like a rock in the hot air. I am so rested. My skin has broken out in tiny whiteheads all over my chin. I smell bad every morning, as if I went running in my sleep.

The windows are open and the whole world makes more noise. Louise next door is doing music lessons. I can hear it now, clarinet, tuba and flute in half hour doses. Today is garbage day and I can hear the truck.

I am so glad we got a cool streak for August. It's in the seventies and nicely cool all morning.

Ingrid Day

Tired all over again. I slept until almost 9:00! It was amazing.

Today was the third week of Ingrid days. I have been taking off Tuesdays to help out Amanda and give her an opportunity to go to the hospital. Ares is in the NICU and just graduated to an open crib! He's bigger than his birth weight now - over three pounds. His skin isn't hot red at every moment but stills gets red when he cries. He's wearing preemie clothes now, little t-shirts! He just needs to learn to eat from a bottle and pass the 35 week mark. I'm getting excited and I cannot imagine how excited Amanda must be.

So Ingrid and I went to the local Children's Museum today. I love that Ingrid calls my tiny hatchback a van. She thinks the shape dictates the name of the vehicle. We only had to stop once one the one mile drive over. Once we got there, we played for almost three hours. She played with one stuffed animal for two of those hours. It was exhausting. Of course she wants me to play with her and I don't want to act like the bored coffee-drinking moms who refuse to look up to see if their kid is kidnapped or anything. I'll wait until I have a kid to do that. Two hours discussing a stuffed ferret (or weasel as she called it) was quite a lot.

Then we went to Portillo's for some gourmet lunching. I learned that dining alone with a kid means that lunch ends when the kid needs to poop, whether you finished that delicious salad or not. So, I dumped half a salad and spent ten minutes in the bathroom, telling "jokes" to the stall door.

These are the types of jokes Ingrid loves: What does a cat put in his drink to keep it cold? Mice cubes.

She branched out into telling the joke about a horse (hay cubes).

I got a good laugh from What is brown and sticky? (a stick).

I just melt when she reaches her little hand up into mine when we walk through a parking lot or climb into a road. I fucking love that kid, poop and all.